Its moments like this that I am in true awe. I have just watched Josh Hamilton knock the snot out of 28 home runs. I haven’t had the best day but I must admit that at times like these I understand the importance of sports. Aside from music I can’t think of a better escape from life than to watch the last of the true warriors as the battle in our modern day Coliseums. These last three hours have provided me with a solace that is not often felt by simply sitting around closing your eyes and breathing. What is offered through sport is the chance to believe that the impossible can be achieved and that for a moment in time the playing field of life can be leveled.
I don’t know too much about Josh other than the stories related to me through Chris Berman and others involved in the telecast, that being said I must admit that I am truly beside myself. I come from an environment where it is rare to watch an addict rise above the haze that is their addiction, that watching Josh Hamilton hit those home runs really reminded me of something I told a friend a long time ago. Going through life is like carrying a huge container of white-out you fuck up, simply apply the white-out and try to correct the mistake. Sure people will remember that you did indeed fuck up but after a while they will start to look at the whole body of work as opposed to your one or fifty mistakes.
You can, through will and determination reach a point where you are truly at peace with the world or you can continue to escape through other means. Me, I choose the other stuff. It just seems easier.
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
Advice for a one night stand.
This afternoon I was handed a list of tips regarding something that most of us (even if we won't admit it) have dealt with. It was a guide to the perfect one night stand -- we'll call them ONS for short. After reading it I thought that most of the tips were bad information that would turn your "One Night Nancy" into a "Returning Rachel". So, after a few minutes the gears in my head started spinning and I thought to myself, why don't I, compile a list of tips... Before we get started I want to remind you of a few things:
A. This list was made for shits and giggles so don't take it too seriously ladies
B. I'm a guy so the tips are directed towards helping guys, but you ladies could learn a thing or two as well.
Now that we've got that out of the way... Let's push things forward.
1. Those who get hammered don't get to nail - There's nothing worse than a slop drunk guy trying to pick up a chick. Don't remind her of her Drunk Uncle Walter. The one that used to get loaded and try to feel her up all while telling her how pretty she was. If that's not enough here are a few things to keep in mind.
A) Hangovers suck and you may have to be up before she wakes up so you can get out of there
B) If you throw up before you can accomplish your goal you're dead in the water. No chick wants to screw a guy that smells like her at her after prom party when her Ex was trying to liquored up so he could get lucky.
C) You really should remember your experience so you can vividly describe it to all of your buddies!
Worse comes to worse pretend your drunker than you really are, at least then you'll be able to drive to your destination.
2. Never take her home!! This rule is in place for a few reasons:
A) She has no clue it's an ONS until you delete her number from her phone and leave without saying goodbye
B) Remember that scene from Knocked Up? The one where Katharine Hiegel wakes up Seth Rogan. If you don't go back to the theaters and watch it again, notice the look on her face. Its one of disappointment. Now pretend that the roles are reversed and you wake up to a girl that looks like Seth Rogan in a wig. Do you see where I'm going with this? If you're at her place you can sneak out before "Get-Off-Me-Girtha" wakes up
C) Even if she was hammered when she got there chances are she won't be when she leaves in the morning. Now that she knows where you live, you open yourself up to a "Returning Rachel" (Girls who will try to stretch an ONS into a relationship.) Returning Rachel's only lead to Trouble.
3. Hey Idiot use a Condom!
4. Hey Idiot use a Condom - I listed it twice for a reason; the clap is curable but the HIV is forever! Plus if you get her preg…Just use the fucking things they're like 97% effective.
5. This one is simple. Don't be afraid to ask for whatever you want. If it's reasonable she'll probably do it.
6. This is for the Ladies. Guys don't try to stick it in her ass. At least without telling her. Your need lube and time something that you don't have an abundance of. Just get the job done. Plus if she gets pissed before you finished you are introduced to God's curse to men… Drunken Blue Ball's they hurt like a bitch!
7. Don't leave money - Grow up Peter Pan. Trying to make her look like a whore makes you look like a chump… If you live in LA and you bought her drinks at the club that's already like 60 bang-a-roo's so don't try to be a pimp and leave it on her night stand. And really when you think about it, while you're laughing it up she's spending your money.
8. Seeing as this is an ONS it makes for the perfect time to use the Bucking Bronco. If you don't know about this marvelous sex position then feel free to ask me.
9. Last but not least just incase you didn't heed rule 2 follow these steps quickly.
A) Lay in bed with her until she wakes up. It is imperative that as soon as she wakes up you hop out of bed and head straight for the shower. Make sure you lock the door behind you. This will make her a bit uncomfortable seeing as she's in your place.
B) Never give her a toothbrush! Giving a girl a toothbrush makes her feel comfortable and can possibly turn her from a One Night Nancy into a Returning Rachel. Its like feeding kids, once you do they never want to leave.
C) Wake your roommates up and have them gather in the living room. When she comes out of your room and sits on the couch with everyone she'll naturally feel awkward turtle and want to leave without you having to ask her.
D) Do not under any circumstances make her breakfast. If you're hungry get dressed quickly and tell her you're late for work and drive to the closet Mickey-D's. Think of the McGriddle as my way of saying -"Good work son you've just completed a successful One Night Stand!
If I left anything out feel free to let me know.
A. This list was made for shits and giggles so don't take it too seriously ladies
B. I'm a guy so the tips are directed towards helping guys, but you ladies could learn a thing or two as well.
Now that we've got that out of the way... Let's push things forward.
1. Those who get hammered don't get to nail - There's nothing worse than a slop drunk guy trying to pick up a chick. Don't remind her of her Drunk Uncle Walter. The one that used to get loaded and try to feel her up all while telling her how pretty she was. If that's not enough here are a few things to keep in mind.
A) Hangovers suck and you may have to be up before she wakes up so you can get out of there
B) If you throw up before you can accomplish your goal you're dead in the water. No chick wants to screw a guy that smells like her at her after prom party when her Ex was trying to liquored up so he could get lucky.
C) You really should remember your experience so you can vividly describe it to all of your buddies!
Worse comes to worse pretend your drunker than you really are, at least then you'll be able to drive to your destination.
2. Never take her home!! This rule is in place for a few reasons:
A) She has no clue it's an ONS until you delete her number from her phone and leave without saying goodbye
B) Remember that scene from Knocked Up? The one where Katharine Hiegel wakes up Seth Rogan. If you don't go back to the theaters and watch it again, notice the look on her face. Its one of disappointment. Now pretend that the roles are reversed and you wake up to a girl that looks like Seth Rogan in a wig. Do you see where I'm going with this? If you're at her place you can sneak out before "Get-Off-Me-Girtha" wakes up
C) Even if she was hammered when she got there chances are she won't be when she leaves in the morning. Now that she knows where you live, you open yourself up to a "Returning Rachel" (Girls who will try to stretch an ONS into a relationship.) Returning Rachel's only lead to Trouble.
3. Hey Idiot use a Condom!
4. Hey Idiot use a Condom - I listed it twice for a reason; the clap is curable but the HIV is forever! Plus if you get her preg…Just use the fucking things they're like 97% effective.
5. This one is simple. Don't be afraid to ask for whatever you want. If it's reasonable she'll probably do it.
6. This is for the Ladies. Guys don't try to stick it in her ass. At least without telling her. Your need lube and time something that you don't have an abundance of. Just get the job done. Plus if she gets pissed before you finished you are introduced to God's curse to men… Drunken Blue Ball's they hurt like a bitch!
7. Don't leave money - Grow up Peter Pan. Trying to make her look like a whore makes you look like a chump… If you live in LA and you bought her drinks at the club that's already like 60 bang-a-roo's so don't try to be a pimp and leave it on her night stand. And really when you think about it, while you're laughing it up she's spending your money.
8. Seeing as this is an ONS it makes for the perfect time to use the Bucking Bronco. If you don't know about this marvelous sex position then feel free to ask me.
9. Last but not least just incase you didn't heed rule 2 follow these steps quickly.
A) Lay in bed with her until she wakes up. It is imperative that as soon as she wakes up you hop out of bed and head straight for the shower. Make sure you lock the door behind you. This will make her a bit uncomfortable seeing as she's in your place.
B) Never give her a toothbrush! Giving a girl a toothbrush makes her feel comfortable and can possibly turn her from a One Night Nancy into a Returning Rachel. Its like feeding kids, once you do they never want to leave.
C) Wake your roommates up and have them gather in the living room. When she comes out of your room and sits on the couch with everyone she'll naturally feel awkward turtle and want to leave without you having to ask her.
D) Do not under any circumstances make her breakfast. If you're hungry get dressed quickly and tell her you're late for work and drive to the closet Mickey-D's. Think of the McGriddle as my way of saying -"Good work son you've just completed a successful One Night Stand!
If I left anything out feel free to let me know.
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
My Life so far...
When I signed up to host a blog numerous things came to mind. Fame, fortune, platinum records... well maybe not all of that but I thought at the very least it would force me to write a little more often. Truth be told it hasn't pushed me to write more or publish things I wouldn't normally publish, but it has forced me to consider the things that I write about. I usually note things down in my journal, more so for my own entertainment than for anyone else to read. The poems that I post on myspace.com/loserz are composed so I vent my frustration in a somewhat positive way. But I have reached a stalemate with myself. Do I write what I see or do I try to find a subject I think the public would be interested in (i.e. wwtdd.com or sidlineviews.blogspot.com) or do I put my life events on the Internet for the world to read? After all an incredibly boring life can become interesting with the right perspective.
You don't always have to look before you jump but you should at least think twice.
You don't always have to look before you jump but you should at least think twice.
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Sunday, June 8, 2008
Welcome Home
Here in my city of Lost Halo’s I often wonder why things seem so out of control. No one that lives here was born here and it seems that these transplants have somehow replaced the natives. I can’t go anywhere in this town with out some goddamn Nebraskan posing as a Californian in her tight dress and pointy shoes. All she wants is for someone to show her something other than the scene that she is used to.
Cocaine, Sex, and Money… What Drives Your City?
Cocaine, Sex, and Money… What Drives Your City?
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